Stream of Conciousness

The only time I ever write things is when I am feeling depressed.

I think I spent about eight minutes trying to figure out if that sentence should have an "is" or an "are". Then I couldn't decide if that sentence made sense at all. I finally gave up and came to the conclusion it didn't really matter. I'm just going to write what comes to my head. A stream of consciousness.

I recently had the opportunity to visit Rexburg, Idaho. Being back in Rexburg was one of the most joyous feelings in the world. It was like returning home after a long camping trip. That's the only way I know how to describe it. In many ways it felt like I had never left. Yet, at the end of the week I knew I did not belong. Being around my friends was amazing, yet in some strange way, not supposed to be. I was graduated. They were in school. I was supposed to have a job, and they were supposed to dedicate their time towards studying.

I feel like Peter Pan most days, dreaming of a world in which we never have to grow up. I think I mostly just dream of a world where I know where I am going and what I am doing. I don't know either of those at the moment.

I scanned my Patriarchal Blessing into my computer today. I got tired of trying to find it and never having it when I needed it. I haven't read it in probably a year. For whatever reason it's never been a high priority to me. Maybe because of how long mine is. I never thought it was that long until today after I put it into Microsoft Word.

I think most people have this idea that having a long Patriarchal Blessing is somehow a blessing in and of itself. To me though, it's just more expectations I have to try and live up to. It's just one more thing on a list of already impossible to fulfill duties. It leaves me with more questions than answers. That isn't to say that I am not grateful for my blessing. I don't want to convey the wrong emotion or idea. I just sometimes wish I knew what to do with it all. Sometimes I wish mine was as simple as that of my scout leaders. One of them had one that was two sentences long once you subtracted the standard opening and closing statements and declaration of lineage. I wouldn't mind that at all.

I only write things when I am depressed. Maybe that's how I should have phrased it.